The last good bye
by abbyandLukaalways
Summary: Luka having left County reflects on how much he still loves Abby.


AUTHOR'S NOTE  
  
This story really focuses on Luka and before reading it the reader should take note that I am a huge Abby and Luka fan so the story is going present there relationship and post relationship feelings in a positive light. I hope I don't annoy anyone (especially Abby and Carter fans) too much.  
  
I have only seen seasons 1,2,4,7 and 8 so I apologise if any of the details are wrong. The story takes place between the start of season 9 and start of 10. I don't own any of these characters except Larissa and Daniel nor make money from fan fiction.  
  
The title of this fan fiction is inspired from the British band latest Atomic Kitten's single "The Last Good Bye" which peaked at 3 and is from there latest album "Feels So Good." The song features in the story. I love it and the group.  
  
This is the first fan fiction I have finished so I would love to hear anyone's comments on it at all. (Please go easy on me.) I don't know any ER fans so would love to hear anyone comments on any of the relationships in this story. Email smileysarahheresosmile@hotmail.com.  
  
  
  
THE LAST GOOD BYE  
  
Luka sat at his desk, completing paper work, in his office. Technically, it was really the spare room, in his small London flat. He had turned it into an office because one it was really too small for a spare room and two he never had visitors to stay in it. He let out a small sigh, it really was one of the more boring aspects of medicine, but still it was necessary. Sensing that he would probably be working into the early hours he walked into the small living room that had a small kitchen attached to make himself some Turkish coffee.  
  
He felt strangely alone, which was strange. He was popular with the staff at the London hospital, he had been working at, for a year, which was strange, considering at County, with the exception of his relationship Abby, he had been considered a loner. His best friend, who he had met during an exchange at medical school, lived in the house below with his girl friend and soon to be wife, Larissa. Daniel had got him the job at the London hospital, where he was a doctor working in Casualty and Larissa was a surgeon and had rented him the flat that was above there London house. He slipped into their group of friends at the hospital, easily, enjoying seeing movies, going to clubs and karaoke bars, which seemed to be a favourite with them. He had never had friends in work before usually they were outside.  
  
Many people would of put this loneliness down to the fact Luka had lost his family, his wife and kids, in war in Croatia, but he knew that wasn't true. He missed them and there wasn't a day that went by when he didn't think of them but in Chicago, at County, when he had been with Abby he hadn't felt like this. He'd felt whole. She been someone by just saying Luka had made him smile been able to change his moods. Even the coming of a hard day full of difficulties had been okay because at the end he could hold her in his arms. He missed her so much. Luka rarely allowed himself to wallow in self- pity. He'd never grieved for his wife or children and it wasn't until he had treated a priest in the ER who later he had had lots of contact with he had allowed himself too. After losing Abby to Carter he had drank and slept around rather than face up to what happened.  
  
While Abby was on his mind he decided he might as well wallow for a little bit. He went over to his cd player and selected a cd single and pressed play. Atomic Kitten's single "The Last Good Bye" filled the room. Normally Luka despised pop music and avoided it at all costs. But Larissa, who was twenty-five, loved it, so Luka had heard a lot of it the past few months. While having dinner at Daniel's and her place she had been playing it and it had struck a chord with him.  
  
"Ain't no headlights on the road tonight Ain't nobody here to make it right Cause we couldn't seem to find a way, for love to stay If you had another night to give I would have another night to live But you 're never gonna see me cry the last good bye."  
  
His mind went back to when he had first discovered the pair were having a relationship. After the small pox out break had cleared up he had returned to County to discover the two were an item. The knowledge had hurt him so bad that it had been like a knife going through him. He couldn't eat, sleep or think straight. Most people at County had been thrilled at the news; Carter was everyone's blue-eyed boy. The guy had been there years, one of County's home grown residences and had, finally, got the girl after being in love with her for years. Everyone admired the way Carter had handled his drug problems, the small pox out break and the responsibility of stepping into Mark's shoes. Abby was popular; the staff beauty, though so unaware of it, always speaking her mind even against Weaver. The perfect couple.  
  
Nobody seemed to be at all bothered about Luka's feelings. He had few friends at County but why should anyone be bothered even if he had them. He had broke up with Abby hadn't he? He had had a relationship with Nicole, a French waitress, so he was clearly over her. He had all but told Abby to go to Carter. He had no right to feel any anger whatsoever did he?  
  
The truth was he hadn't ended it because he didn't love Abby but because he didn't believe she felt the same as him. She was with him because it was safe; he wouldn't hurt her. She was fond of him but didn't love him like she did Carter. Luka felt the same way about her as she did about Carter. He loved her with every fibre of his being. Though he had loved his wife, beyond all reason, no one could deny that, Abby was the love of his life. No one had ever had the effect she had on him. She could madden him beyond exasperation but with one word make him smile. Without her was like being deprived of everyday essentials, he needed her to get through life.  
  
He thought seeing her happy with Carter would be enough. When you love someone you are meant to want him or her to be happy even if that isn't with you. He soon realised that wasn't the case. Seeing them together every day, kissing, holding hands and arguing especially hurt so much. He could see how much she loved him. It was like having his faced rubbed in it; as if Carter was saying ha she 's mind.  
  
He had never been able to replace Abby with Nicole. Though he had tried to play a masquerade pretending he loved her by doing everything he could to make her happy, getting her papers renewed to stay in the Us, letting her stay at his apartment and getting her the job at County it had killed him doing so. She wasn't Abby and he was so relieved there was no baby and she left. It freed him of the responsibilities. Just like he couldn't get rid of Abby and Carter being together with drink and one night stands. It numbed the pain but didn't take it away.  
  
His new lifestyle was taking it toll on his work. Susan was taking over his duties. The nurses were petitioning against him. But it was out of control but he couldn't stop not unless Abby and Carter ended it. He felt stupid too that he had considered him and Abby might be getting together after the closeness they had shared after her attack.  
  
What brought everything to ahead and made Luka take a grip of his life was a conversation he heard between Abby and Susan. Abby was perched on the back of a chair, her hair newly re-dyed black the colour it was when they were together and tied back like so it looked short as it also was when they were together. Susan sat at a chair across the table. She had said to Abby; "What's got into Kovac?" "I don't know. His behaviour seems so out of character. He's such a sweet guy, usually. He was so kind and thoughtful towards me with all the problems with my Mum when we were together. Even after he was so great after the attack letting me stay with him and dealing with Brian. I don't know him anymore and can't think why we were together" replied Abby. The words went straight through Luka.  
  
He didn't go to a bar as he planned to after work but went back to his cold, dark, empty flat and drank beer after beer trying to get those ringing words out of his head. He felt such a pain that he hadn't felt since the deaths of his family. It was worst than seeing Abby with Carter. It was awful to think she didn't rate him as a human being.  
  
The days that shortly followed this were bittersweet. Abby and Carter were away from County dealing with Abby's family problems. They were sweet for Luka, as he was no longer day after day reminded of Carter and Abby being together so the pain wasn't so great. They were bitter as Carter was doing a role he once did. He returned to a shadow of his old self and he felt that everyone was beginning to respect the quiete member of staff again. He knew it couldn't last as soon as Abby and Carter returned he'd go back to his old habits to block the pain away.  
  
After a really good day at work, he'd saved a little girls life with his quick thinking with diagnoses and knew again just why he was in medicine, to help people, he went on line, which he rarely had time to do. There were emails from his friends in both Chicago and Croatia. They all wanted to know if he had dropped off the face of the earth as they had heard nothing from him and he wasn't returning calls. He had either been working or out to all hours in smoky bars, so with the exception of his parents he hadn't kept up with anyone. He signed how could he explain his pain from a girl, he had dumped a year ago, seeing a guy he had told her could have her. What were his words "Carter can have you."  
  
As if by magic, an answer appeared, as he discovered that Dan his best friend was instant messaging him. He had met Dan when he had gone to his college in Croatia on an exchange from Cambridge. The two had become close as though they had had very different upbringing they shared a similar outlook on life, though Dan was more outgoing than Luka. Dan had been a great friend to Luka over the loss of his family. Having never met them he had been able to just listen to Luka where people close to Luka hadn't as they were emotionally involved. Luka had also listened, though, rather warily at times too, something know to their friends as the ballad of Lissa and Dan. The on and off relationship Dan had been in since the last year of medical school, but since two years ago seemed to be going strong. Luka had stayed with Dan in Edinburgh, where he had lived before joining Larissa in London, two years ago, after he had left Croatia and before he went to Chicago. He had visited him a few times since and met him in New York.  
  
The conversation went like this:  
  
DAN: Hi, mate. What's up with you? Abby still seeing that blue-blooded guy? Luka:If you mean Carter, yes. Anyway despite how I feel about him he is really a down to earth person, a good doctor, who just like you happens to come from a wealthy family. DAN:I will let that go as a comment like that shows just how hard things are for you now. Luka: Actually they are both a way at the moment and I have had a really a really few good days. Not seeing them together makes it easier to cope with I'm not reminded of it everything ten seconds. Enough about me-how are you? DAN: Great!!! Like the cow that jumped over the moon! Luka: Unless I 'm mistaken and you have suddenly got into work I guess it's to do with Lissa . DAN: Let just say you can keep June 15th free.. Luka: I'm so happy for you! Tell Lissa the same. DAN: Thanks and as you're the first person not to tell me to warn her what she is getting into -will you be my best man? Luka: I'd be honoured. I wish you were getting married sooner though I could do with getting some space between Abby and me. DAN: Sorry I hope you don't think I was being tactless. Luka:Of course not I'm happy for you. DAN: Are you serious about getting away? Luka: Never been more so. The last few days have demonstrated to me that I can't handle it. DAN: There a job at the hospital if you want it. We are crying out for doctors not only here but also in the whole of the UK so everyone would welcome you with open arms and you would have no problem getting a permit to work. It's a good place.  
  
Luka was quiete for a while. The only reason he had to stay was Abby. He had no family or real friends. County had lost it's charms since Abby and Carter got together he dreaded going to work. Perhaps there would be less pain with not seeing her everyday than seeing him with her. Though he'd never made a decision so fast he'd go.  
  
Luke: It sounds like what I'm looking for. I need to sort things out here and at County. I will try to be out by the end of the week. How definite is the job?  
  
DAN: Your have to meet the board but I hire and fire so it yours. You will probably start on a six-month contract. You can stay with Lissa and me till you sort out something or the flat should be free soon. Let me know your plane details I will pick you up. You're doing the right thing.  
  
Luka: I will call you. Thanks.  
  
Dan: Don't mention it. Later.  
  
Luka looked at his watch and bitterly signed it had been a gift off Abby. He had to give in his notice at County, sell his car, box up his stuff and put it into storage and let his apartment, he couldn't bear to part with his life here totally. He might as well get it over with and go and see Kerry.  
  
He got into his car and drove to Kerry flat. It probably was a little late but he wanted to get it over with. Kerry and him had always got on okay. He'd understood her grief over Mark covering for her at work  
  
Kerry was relaxing in front of the television waiting for her girl friend to came over. Since coming out and being in a happy, contented relationship she had become more relaxed and now instead of just working hard she also played hard. Opening the door she said, "God, Luka. You're the last person I expected! A problem with work?" "No, Kerry. I don't know how to say this but I quit. I will work till the end of the week as my contract says I have to give a weeks notice. I'm sorry." "Luka, you'd better come in. Why are you leaving? Have you got promotion somewhere else?" she said astonished. "No, Kerry, I won't come in, thanks. A friend has got me a job in a London hospital," replied, Luka. "But, why Luka? I mean before you got the permanent job at County we couldn't get you to leave so why have you got to go suddenly? Why are you leaving Chicago, your job, home and friends? County is short staffed as it is and this is hardly the time with Mark and everything. Besides the team will miss you, you have presence," Kerry said in baffled tones. "Thanks for the confidence vote Kerry but no one will miss me. I can't stay I have to get away," he replied firmly. "If this is about Abby and John you have two weeks holiday left take it now so you don't need to give notice. I'll miss you, Luka, not only as a work mate but also a friend. You've never judged me and always been there for me in your own way. But I understand that sometimes you have to put your happiness before work. Can I do anything for you? "Kerry, asked. " Thanks. I know you let Carter a flat, once; can you give me a number of the agency that handled that? Also can you give Abby, a good-bye note? I'm going to get away before she comes back. I can't bear to say the last good bye and might say something I regret," he replied gratefully. "I'll give Abby a note, of course. I think this will hurt her more than you think though she is happy with Carter. I'll handled the letting of the flat, if you want," she offered. "Thanks, Kerry. That would be a big help. I'm really grateful," he replied. "Come over tomorrow night about seven if you want for a good bye meal. There's paper work for the hospital to deal with. We can sort out letting details than," said sensing Luka wouldn't want a good-bye party. "Thanks Kerry. I'll see you than," said Luka.  
  
Luka spent the next few days packing up his flat, putting things into boxes to go into storage. He packed one bag filled with clothes, pictures of his wife and children and of Abby. He also took a rare cd Abby got him and the watch, cufflinks and wallet she had brought him at his birthday, at Christmas and on there anniversary. But he had so many good memories of her he didn't need material things to keep her in his heart. Writing Abby the letter was the hardest thing though. He had so many false starts worried he was saying too little or too much. In the end he wrote:  
  
Dear Abby, I am so sorry I couldn't say the last good bye but it would be too hard. I have to leave. I can no longer stay at County.  
  
I wish you so much happiness with Carter as you are such an inspirational person putting others before yourself you truly deserve it. I know I ended it but I hope you know that I treasure every second we had together and only did for your happiness. I have no regrets accept it didn't work.  
  
Yours, Luka. "If I could do it over, I'd do it all again And if I got one more chance I wouldn't change a thing Aim high, shoot low (gotta aim high, shoot low baby)"  
  
Luka left the letter and his flat in Kerry's hand and boarded a plane to London. All that remained of him in Chicago really was that piece of his heart that could never let Abby go no matter how far apart they were in distance or who she was with. Perhaps clueless to Luka part of Abby remained with him because perhaps she couldn't let him go.  
  
Luka got up and put the coffee cup in the sink. He returned to his office. He had to try and get on with his life. "Abby, I still love you. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I hope you love someone the way I love you who loves you back the same and can give you what I couldn't," he muttered.  
  
"Is it cloudy where you are tonight? Are the neon lights shining bright? Are you looking for a place to stay, to get away? " 


End file.
